Bark
by Frosty the Pyro
Summary: And then he said bark.


**(Bark)**

 **Author's Note: The following was something that I had posted on a forum awhile back on this site some time ago. At the suggestion of blaiseingfire, I decided to publish this after some minor edits. This is probably going to remain a one shot.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to RWBY. RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth.**

Zwei pondered what lay before him.

Zwei observed his humans, the vampire, and the one that smelled funny. He watched them as they engaged in barks that were not barks in their not barking manner. Today he decided he would try to understand the not barks a bit better in an effort to one day reproduce them. "What a fun day that would be" he thought to himself.

" _What do we do!?_ " Ruby barked

" _Ozpin will be here any minute_!"

" _Why not throw him out the window?_ " the strange smelling black one hissed in a suggestive tone.

" _BLAKE!_ " Yang barked in a furious not bark.

Zwei sat there contently wondering what these eldritch not barks meant. They seemed to be directed towards himself if their hand gestures were anything to go off of. Maybe, just perhaps they were trying to decide what to get for his birthday. It was three days from now after all. What if they were having the hyper one come along with her team? Zwei thought to himself about how he should later put in more time to learn their names. He tried asking what that strange smelling black one her name was, but she seemed incredibly shy for some reason. She was always stuck staring at those disturbing images in that dreadful, noisy, flimsy thing that the barks _**book**_ and _**smut**_ seemed to correspond with, But that didn't matter now.

" _Where are we hiding him?_ " The vampire barked as she fell to the human's version of a sitting position on their soft, comfortable, luxurious bed.

"Greedy Masters." Zwei thought bitterly as he was never allowed on da Ummie beds. Zwei began to ignore said thoughts, as he really needed to go. Zwei wandered up to Yang the sun grey one and started telling her all about where he needed to go and why. He started whining loudly when she ignored him further.

" _What happens if Ozpin sees him?_ "

" _Then we claim that we've never seen him before, and that we just found him right now._ " The smelly black one hissed.

" _And when he asks why we didn't report it?_ "

" _Then we claim that we knew he was already on his way here, so we decided just to tell him when he got here?_ "

" _BLAKE!_ " Ruby angry barked.

Zwei catalogued the bark _**Blake**_ as it seemed to correspond with the smelly black one. That was for another time as he really needed to go. After a minute Zwei realized how futile it would be to try and get Yang's attention this way, so he headed for the door and began scratching on it. She still didn't notice him.

" _Just cover him with a blanket or something_." Vampire barked loudly.

Zwei cursed his luck. Couldn't they notice a dog in distress? What was wrong with them? Why fate? Why? Why must he be delegated such an embar-

" _What is that?_ " Vampire howled in distress as she pointed towards door.

" _EW!_ "

" _Gross!_ "

" _Well he was just scratching at the door just now_." Ruby barked dejectedly.

Zweii started staring at the open 12 story window.

" _OH, MY GOD! How do we hide this!?_ " Ruby started screaming like that one guinea pig from when he-

There was a knock on the door.

" _Blake grab the blanket!_ "

" _Why me!_ "

" _Just do it!_ "

Zwei decided when he learned to bark like a man, that he would ask Blake why she threw the blanket that reeked of cat on him. It was that this moment that Zwei heard the door open.

" _Hello Headmaster Ozpin!_ "

" _Ruby?_ " It was The Great Old One.

" _Yes._ "

" _Why is there a piece of fecal matter on the bottom of my shoe?_ "

" _Maybe it was from during your morning walk through The Emerald Forest?_ "

" _I'm not Professor Port._ "

" _Um, um... BLAKE HAD AN ACCIDENT!_ "

" _RUBY!_ " Blake yowled indignantly.

" _And why didn't you clean it up?_ " The Great Old One not barked,

" _It happened right when you got here!_ " Yang said.

" _I...see._ " Zwei heard The Great Old One respond. " _Well anyways, I just wanted to personally congratulate you on scoring top marks on the S-VAC last week, and pass these along._ " Zwei heard the sound of The Great Old One make a sipping sound.

Zwei hated that sound.

" _Wow, Professor! I thought I failed it for sure._ "

" _Well consider yourself fortunate then. Anyways that was all. Thank you for your time._ " This was followed by the sound of the door closing.

It wasn't for a full ten seconds till they pulled the blanket off of him.

" _I thought we were goners for sure!_ " Vampire exclaimed.

" _Ah, relax he didn't did he_."

" _Is everyone just ignoring the fact that Ruby just blamed me for taking a literal shi_ -"

" _What do you think is in these?_ "

Zwei growing tired of the whimpering and bantering decided to try for the first time in a long time accomplish one of his life dreams. It would be a momentous occasion. They would give him bacon. They woul-

"Bark!" came out of his mouth.

Everyone else just stared at him.


End file.
